Writing a Eulogy: How to Speak From the Heart

Going to a funeral or memorial service is an event that is often filled with grief. People who sit in the audience might wonder how the person delivering the eulogy is able to create such beautiful words, bringing the best stories and memories to life. Behind the eulogy is a writer, usually a close family member or friend of the person who passed. Sometimes these writers have lots of experience, while others have none. In all cases, they’re writing a story of remembrance that comes straight from the heart. With this guide, loved ones will know how to write a eulogy for any audience, along with tips for helping others and preserving space for grieving.

A eulogy is a way to remember someone who has passed. Although most eulogies are delivered as speeches at a funeral or memorial service, sometimes they are published in writing. In most cases, eulogies are written and spoken by someone who was close to the person who passed. On occasion, the family will put together a eulogy and ask someone else to deliver it.

Although eulogies tend to have a relatively standard format and timing, there really is no wrong way to make one. Celebrating the life of a loved one comes in a wondrous variety. Some eulogies are lighthearted, with stories that will provoke laughter. Others are very somber. They tend to be a reflection of the writer as well as the person celebrated.

Gathering information about a loved one will provide a lot of source material for the eulogy. Eulogies aren’t the same as simply reading an obituary, but those details can be helpful. This step can be a little time-consuming, particularly for someone who had a long and full life. People who are planning to write a eulogy may want to ask friends and family members of their loved one to help them fill in the blank spots, so that no important aspects are missing.

When asking various family members to relay their favorite memories of a loved one, sometimes there isn’t a lot of overlap. People have unique relationships with each other, which means that some members of a family may have much more to share than others. That’s why it’s good to ask other people for ideas for what to include in the eulogy. There might be stories that would be great to share, but the speaker needs more information. Getting input also helps to create consensus, which can increase the likelihood that everyone will be content with the eulogy.

After brainstorming ideas and asking family members to participate, people can start coming up with a list of things that they would like to include. In a lot of cases, the list will be longer than is reasonable for the speech. When selecting things to leave out, the person writing the eulogy should take care to consider all perspectives. The eulogy shouldn’t be limited to only basic details. On the other hand, stories that the family agrees are the most important should take priority, even if they aren’t the most entertaining.

Anyone with little writing experience knows that they probably won’t get it perfect on the first try. In fact, being worried about making mistakes during the creative process can lead people to shut down. Instead, they should take time to think about each part of the eulogy, and let the words flow straight from the heart. There will be plenty of time for editing, and editing is a lot easier when there are already words on the page to work with.

Once people have a draft of the eulogy, it’s common to realize that the speech is entirely too long. In this case, editing and trimming down is an important step. As a general rule, writers should aim to keep stories complete, and limit the number. Several short stories might end up sounding jumbled or rushed. By comparison, telling one or two stories in detail can help to create a sense of understanding in the audience, even for those who weren’t there at the time. Choosing stories that don’t require a lot of context or inside references will help to keep the eulogy more applicable to a broader audience.

Few people are naturally gifted at speaking in the spur of the moment. Most people need practice. Eulogies are written but typically spoken, so reading them aloud is a great way to get a feel for how they sound. People who are nervous about speaking may want to practice a few times before delivering it in front of a friend or family member. For events with strict time limitations, it’s a good idea to time the eulogy at a natural speed. With this information, writers can make any further edits.

Finding inspiration for things to include in a eulogy is sometimes easy and sometimes difficult. There are lots of resources to draw from, as well as a few things that people may want to avoid. These tips can help.

Starting with the basic facts can be an easy way to begin. Although a lot of things could go on this list, there are a few standard items:

• Birthdate and place
• Date of death and place
• Education
• Occupation
• Immediate family members, living and passed
• Date of marriage, where applicable

People might be surprised by the interesting things that may come up after writing down the basic facts of a person’s life. For example, talking about their birthplace might be an opportunity to share how long they lived there or the way that the area changed during their life.

Photographs and other records can be a great way to prompt memory of specific events. If another family member is putting together a photo collage or video for the service, it might be a good idea to get together with them to discuss highlights. Someone’s love of summer barbecues, and the famous dish they always brought to the potluck, might be easy to share in both picture and story form. Writers who are looking for a particular event may want to be specific in their requests for photographs, so that they don’t end up having to sort through thousands of them.

Eulogies often contain at least a story or two. For some families, everyone knows which story is the most important want to tell. For others, there might be dozens. That’s a great opportunity to ask for recommendations. Gathering several family members around a table to recount the stories can help writers to ensure that they get the true feeling of it, without missing key details.

Eulogies often contain at least a story or two. For some families, everyone knows which story is the most important want to tell. For others, there might be dozens. That’s a great opportunity to ask for recommendations. Gathering several family members around a table to recount the stories can help writers to ensure that they get the true feeling of it, without missing key details.

Of course, there may be a few things that the person writing the eulogy needs to avoid. Although the limits depend on the audience, they also depend on the boundaries of good taste. It’s awkward to attend a service where the person delivering the speech seems focused on details that aren’t important or celebratory. As such, writers should plan to avoid these common concerns:

• Vivid descriptions of health problems or the cause of death
• Humiliating details of stories, even if they’re not about the person who passed
• Political topics
• Religious disagreements
• Family conflicts

Eulogies don’t have to be boring or bland, but they should not be punchy or likely to offend anyone in the audience. With a better understanding of the audience likely to attend the service, people should make a list of appropriate details and stories that they want to share. Almost everyone has been to a formal service where a person speaking chose the absolutely wrong thing to talk about in a speech. The goal for a eulogy is to avoid that. Stories should be age-appropriate. It’s all right to tell a funny story most of the time, but the details should not be humiliating or salacious. Selecting a balance will work best for most people.

Although eulogies are meant for the person who passed, the audience is an important part of the equation. Unless a eulogy will be delivered in private, which is uncommon, there will be people there to listen. In most cases, the audience is there to share in the grief and celebration of the life of the person who passed. Writing a eulogy that honors their relationship helps to make a speech that everyone will be grateful to hear.

People should start by thinking about the timing of the eulogy as it relates to the rest of the event. For example, if the eulogy is the main part of the service, there may be more time for the speaker to share stories. However, if there are several people speaking, or if there are multiple parts of the service that take longer, the person writing the eulogy may want to keep it shorter.

People who are not accustomed to public speaking may not realize how they tend to speed up as they talk. They may want to build in specific points of the eulogy to take a pause for 5 to 10 seconds. Pauses have many benefits, including:

• Allowing everyone a chance to take a breath
• Creating a transition between one story and the next
• Making it easier for the speaker to retain a natural tone

It’s not necessary to pause after every sentence, of course. But adding three or four short breaks over the course of a 10-minute speech can make it easier for everyone to enjoy the experience.

When deciding what to include, writers may want to consider the people that they expect to be in the audience. An audience made up entirely of older adults has different needs than an audience of mixed ages or an audience that is mostly young people. An audience of friends may want to hear different stories and details than an audience of colleagues. Writers can take this information and draw some conclusions about which stories will relate most to the audience.

Good writers and public speakers know that the tough part is not just getting the audience’s attention, but keeping it. Eulogies often include a lot of information, but they can still be organized and easy to follow. People should plan to keep focus so that it never feels like they are speaking for no reason. Every story should have a defined beginning, middle and end. Transition sentences between stories make it easier for the audience to know where it is going. The eulogy itself should have a defined ending, such as a message of thanks from the family. This helps the audience to prepare for a transition into another speech or other aspect of the service.

Pretty much everyone knows what it’s like to listen to a speech by someone who doesn’t want to be making it. Although striking a comfortable, easy-going tone may be very difficult, it’s still worth trying to achieve. Some people will be better at this than others, especially those who have experience speaking in front of a group. To help control for nervousness, writers might lean towards stories that they can tell without having to write a script. For the service, it’s a good idea to ask a close friend or family member to sit near the front where the speaker can easily see them. Knowing that people in the audience are happy for them to speak can often make it easier to relax while delivering the eulogy.

• First thing in the morning
• Shortly after taking a long break
• An hour or two after a good meal

People are more likely to feel better about the process if they aren’t immediately stressed or fried from the activities of the day. For some, it might be easiest to write a eulogy in pieces after the children have gone to bed. For others, dedicating a single day to complete a draft could be the most important.

Thinking about a loved one is more likely to trigger a wave of grief, and people should be prepared for the possibility. Writing out the details of a favorite story could highlight the fact that they aren’t around to tell it any longer. Looking at photographs of holiday traditions can serve as a reminder that the next event will have new ones. People will have a better experience if they give themselves the chance to grieve in the moment. Trying to hold back in the service of completing the speech can make it harder to finish.

Most people can’t write a long speech in one sitting, so should plan for breaks. As part of the grieving process, families often feel more tired or low on energy. They may need to take breaks to rest, think about other things, or even sleep. Breaks are a good part of the writing process, because they allow people the room to think about what they have said and what they want to say. Breaking up the task into several 30-minute pieces might be more manageable than a single block of a few hours.

Even if the words come quickly and freely, it’s important to set it down and come back to it before the service. Many people need practice speaking so that they can provide a natural delivery, but that’s not the only reason. Sometimes people think of different ways to share a story, but they need time to let it sit on the backburner. Others need multiple opportunities to look at what they plan to say. Reading the eulogy hours later, or the next day, can provide this necessary reflection.

First and foremost, the speech should come from the child. Parents may think that they are helping by writing something for a child to say, but that can be counterproductive. Instead, parents should start by helping the child to brainstorm ideas for things that they would like to talk about. A eulogy given by a child doesn’t necessarily have to meet conventional standards. It can be shorter and simpler. Coming up with one or two things to say should be sufficient.

From a young age, many children love to tell stories. It’s one of the first things that they learn about language from their parents and loved ones. As such, telling a story of a favorite memory can be a great way for children to participate in the service. Parents can help by writing down the story as the child tells it. Although parents can assist with a few minor details, they should aim to allow the child to tell the story as naturally as possible. While teenagers may have no difficulty following a written script or a set of notecards, very young children will find it complicating. The ability to simply recount the story may be more effective than making sure that every detail is included.

A child’s eulogy should be simpler than an adult’s and age-appropriate. Children who are in elementary school or younger might only be able to speak for 1 to 2 minutes. They may need prompting from an adult to remember what they chose to say. Older children and teens can often speak for longer and in greater detail, but their eulogies should still be self-directed. That way, their delivery is less likely to feel stilted or forced.

Children are just as prone to stage fright as adults. Some may be natural speakers, but others could hesitate to speak in front of a large group. Kids can also be unpredictable, being excited to speak and then unable to do so on the day of the event. In these cases, parents may want to record their child speaking if it makes them more comfortable. Children could be more likely to speak naturally in front of a camera than at a pulpit or graveside.

The first days of grieving for a loved one are usually full of activity. Family members are often assigned various tasks, such as writing a eulogy. This responsibility isn’t always given to people who have lots of writing or speaking experience, just familiarity with the loved one. Fortunately, almost anyone can have great success with a eulogy. By following these tips, family members can determine what they would like to say and how to say it for a loving audience.