Losing a Child

How long does it take to get over losing a child? From my own experience I would say it can take 10 years or never, it depends on the person.  My son has been gone 13 years passing on Mother’s Day in 1995.  I had terrible feelings of guilt as he was 14, an adolescent going through a tough time.  I wished I had spent more one on one time with him, told him I loved him.  So in the beginning of his passing I talked to him a lot.  This helped me to heal, I had to forgive myself.  The thing is, do exactly what will minimize your grief.  If it’s putting flowers on the grave every Sunday, then do it.  Write him a letter, mail it to yourself with his name on it.  Make positive moves to unburden yourself from your grief.  You have been through the worst pain you may ever have, unexpected death anyone especially your own child, is so final.   

Take care of yourself, your are in a time when your are pulling emotionally from your body and can acquire an illness.  I did, so that is why I mention it.  My husband had two neck surgeries in the first year of our son’s passing.  I have had neck problems and muscle problems as well.  The grief gets into your body, so push it out and take vitamins, naps for fatigue,  and exercise to expel anger.  There are a few steps each person goes through after a death and anger is one of them.   Try not to feel guilty.  This is a terrible emotion which will eat you up, push it out.  And try to be happy, try to smile and even laugh more.  Go to places and with people who will allow you to laugh.  The sadness can be overwhelming.  Try to bring your family members with you into your journey of healing.  Everyone in your home is grieving in their own way and this can split families up.  Tell them you want these positive things for yourself and for them and see if they have ideas about how each day can be easier for everyone.

Remember your son or daughter are waiting for you.  When my mother in law was dying from cancer, she called for my son soon before her passing, this helped me to know that he was there for her and I will see him again.   And that he is fine!  If he can do this for his grandma, he is a spirit who is responsible, helpful and loving.  Just the kind of son I want him to be.

Losing a Child II

It is never in the natural order of things for a child to die before his or her parents. There is no opportunity to prepare, resolve misunderstandings, or “say good-bye.” Life for the parents and siblings is changed forever, often in an instant, and it takes time for the reality of what has happened to sink in.

As the reality of the death settles in, intense anger at the injustice and deep anguish at the realization that the loss is “forever” are normal. Your yearning to be with your child is also normal; please do not feel alone. Discussing this current experience with other bereaved parents and siblings can help ease the feeling that you are losing your mind. The memories and emotions will always remind you of the joy of their life and the pain of losing them; please do not keep these feelings to yourself but, rather, share them and keep the memory of your child and all adjacent feelings out in the open - in the light. There will come a time to decide for cremation or traditional burial for your child. Visit our infant urns for memorials urns and keepsakes for a youth or child.

Part of the healing process is learning to live amongst the living again. Many families say that one of the most difficult things is to see the world go on when the child or brother or sister is gone. So it is important to find special ways to remember them. Keep your spirit alive and talk about your child. You will find the memories uplifting and your child will continue to be a part of your family. More importantly, you may find that the grieving process becomes easier. Remembrances can be as simple as including the child’s name often in conversation, telling stories about the child, making a special memory album, or even holding special family memorial gatherings to remember and honor the child.

As the grace and love from the child’s existence tugs at your soul, deepening your experience of love and life, have courage. They entered this world because of you and they left this world with all of the experiences that your love created for them. There is no fear because the love of a family is everlasting. You may not accept that they had to die, but learn to accept that they did. One thing we will never know the answer to is why. The bond with your child will never be broken because the love that has been shared is real and will always remain.